@TheTweetOfGod: "Why are all the good ones either married, gay or the Son of God?" - Mary Magdalene.
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@mynameisntdave: GENIE: u get 3 wishes! ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that's gonna cost you an extra wish
@joeyfullystated: Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I'm sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
@Eagle_Vision: I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of soda, but when I awoke I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.
@Dawn_M_: I'm crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.