@TheTweetOfGod: "Why are all the good ones either married, gay or the Son of God?" - Mary Magdalene.
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@Turbo_Jimmy: *Wife thumps door* "I KNOW UR IN THERE! U BLEW OUR SAVINGS ON A SHITTY INVENTION, DIDN'T U?!" NO! *furiously flushes 1000s of dog-tampons*
@Shock_Monster: Frozen pizza recalled? The government appears to have changed tactics to combat drug users: Legalize pot, but take away their food.
@thejamietighe: Boss: Why is there an olive in your water? Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
@jonnysun: *full moon emerges from behimd clouds* nno--nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A-- IM A-- *turns into bungalow* IM A WAREHOUSE