[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
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Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family