Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
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Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
#winning
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.