Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
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Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops