*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
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Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
everyone’s a critic
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.