Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
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when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*