All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
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Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
So sick of all these stupid rules
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her