Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
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9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?