Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
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Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
what’s really going on
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.