@timdonakowski: Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
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@Sassafrantz: Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up... Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough. Gynecologist: Um, your legs
@McCutty1: *Rains pennies from heaven* *coins decimate the land [terrified scream] 'CHANGE IS IN THE AIR!'
@captainkalvis: Friend (dumb, annoying): christmas was stolen from a pagan holiday by the Christians Me (brilliant, well-read): actually, it was stolen by the Grinch but he gave it back