friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
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There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”