@Jesssicle: Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you're talking about them, you aren't having a rough enough time already.
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@AnnaisAwesome76: I’m 39, If you invite me to a party that only starts after 10pm, I’m not even going to pretend I’ll make it.
@mjkspeaks: [Walmart customer service] ME: i want to talk to the manager. MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem? ME: no, i just want to talk.
@Mr_Bucky: My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades. But never locks her basement window.
@Cpin42: A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like "Does it really fire babies?" & "Have you seen my son Jeff?"