It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting