Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
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The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.