@AngelaEhh: Why are people giving something up for lint? I'm sweeping that shit up every day if you want some more.
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@MrGeorgeWallace: Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
@aka_fatman: Chief: You're the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge! Me: *realising I left both in my son's crib* Uhhhhh....
@trojansauce: [dinner party] mario: what's in this risotto? me: mushroom, you're not allergic? mario: *grows to like 20 feet*