@AngelaEhh: Why are people giving something up for lint? I'm sweeping that shit up every day if you want some more.
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@Elizasoul80: Person I tried to rob describing me to the police: "long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn't seem very committed to it."
@Ristolable: ME: Sorry boss, I can't make it in today. Because of Ebola. BOSS: You have Ebola? ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
@nbadag: WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk ME: [from cardboard box] i'm sorry come out of where? WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
@trojansauce: LOIS LANE: *pulls back from kissing* clark your glasses are hurting my nose can you take them off CLARK KENT: no