Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
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When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.