Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
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i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
My guardian angel deserves a raise
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.