Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
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I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.