@TimFederle: Why are pilots so honest? Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. "We're delayed because we're winning a safety award."
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@LoverOfComics94: One day she says "Treat me like a princess," the next she's pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women...
@1BigMick: If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.
@DaddyJew: 8: teach me karate [flashback to us nearly burning the house down trying to bake a cake together] Me: first things first, we need a sword