You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
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What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
house sitting!
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree