Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
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Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
shit, they caught us—run!!!
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
can I use a minion as a tampon
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.