“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
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“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.