Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
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Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.