Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
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I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”