Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
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When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Comparing yourself to others
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.