Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
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ibopfufen
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.