Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
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‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???