Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
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To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
This is a true ally.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Me as a therapist: omg same
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.