ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
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Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
A drum solo but on your face.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot