*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
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3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Leaving the Barbers like
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them