why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
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This fish is cracking me up
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Tony Hawk, age 6
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*