why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
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I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.