Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
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[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf