@Cryptic1iam: Why are they called condoms and not woody hoodies?
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@10InchesPlus: I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I've missed 3 mortgage payments.
@Thynebear: Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
@DanMentos: Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn't seen him much lately
@NYC_Blonde: I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.