Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
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I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.