@Cryptic1iam: Why are they called condoms and not woody hoodies?
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@Fred_Delicious: [Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist] "He was literally kermit the frog"
@weismanjake: I'm a vegetarian and when people say to me "you know Hitler was also a vegetarian" it always reminds me how many Jews I've been killing
@Breadery: My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with "LOL" is "a representation of everything that is wrong with me."
@quikkim: If I was named Edward Normus, I'd use my first name's initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.