@Fred_Delicious: [Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist] "He was literally kermit the frog"

@weismanjake: I'm a vegetarian and when people say to me "you know Hitler was also a vegetarian" it always reminds me how many Jews I've been killing

@Breadery: My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with "LOL" is "a representation of everything that is wrong with me."

@quikkim: If I was named Edward Normus, I'd use my first name's initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

@BillyYvonne: Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don't serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke