*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
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Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube