Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
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Draw me like one of your French Fries.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-