why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
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Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today