Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
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“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower