Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
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Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.