“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
You Might Also Like
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you