@FUN: Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?
@Henry_3k: My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
@i_eat_fruit: [first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
@WilliamAder: I've been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
@writerPT: 5yo: OMG I'M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I'M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
@Underchilde: *Builds panic room out of Swiss cheese*
*Fails to see holes in plan*