Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
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Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I wish this was real life…
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱