Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
want me to check your oil?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.