Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
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I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.