If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?