This dudes dogs šbattle cry
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My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house Iād be like āthat sounds rightā and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
my bf just said āyouāre one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes onā ummmmmmā¦ im sorryā¦ ONE OF!!??!?
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Itās not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilĆ ! murder scene
Itās the freakinā weekend, baby, Iām about to cancel some plans
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didnāt finish your Ph.D.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
If you have a friend whoās a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: āI was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so Iām not going to finish them.ā Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. Itās not to wish him a good day, but to see what heās wearing so she can copy his outfit.