@living_marble: MEN: we're gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
WOMEN: great
MEN: wait, no, you don't understand, those were threats
@KissabiX: My friends car got stolen and was handed back littered with evidence of drugs.
Great, now a car is having a more interesting life than I.
@i_wantMyBiitch: Me- mom stop you are never funny. You never make joke.
Mom- I made you
@philandher96: Trying to make pancakes this morning and it turns out I didn't get the spatula in the divorce.
@dreadnaught69: She thinks I drink all day when she's at work. I don't... I stop just before she gets home
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