Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
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[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
next question.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.