@ShittyComedian: When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn't have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

@Donna_McCoy: Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

@WilliamAder: Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

@JohnnyCrash5: If my dog barks at you we can't be friends, also, I hate you too.

@ClichedOut: Waiter: how did u find your meal Me: *sweating* i...i looked down