I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
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CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Who needs an Air Fryer?