“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
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earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.