“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
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Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.