Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
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Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I hate my earbuds.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.