I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
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“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead