@dixonshuman: Why aren't marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
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@somelightcrying: Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you're like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now
@StellaRtwot: *hands cashier $100 bill "Ya have anything smaller?" *crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
@withanewname: [flash mob in front of me & my girl] [I join in then kneel down gasping] "Will you.." "YES!... YE.." "grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?"
@trevso_electric: Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for "superficial"? "Shallow"? "Slave"? Or "soon to be obsolete"?