Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
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Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.