Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
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I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
handsome & gretel
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal