@robdelaney: Why aren't these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don't they want to get better?
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@Carbosly: When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45. They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
@benerdist: A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
@ShaunRightNow: Hooker says $500. I say $50. She walks away. Later, I'm walking with my wife, same hooker sees me and says, I see what you got for $50.
@Xalqee: How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?